Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
