my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
