Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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