I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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