3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Randomize
