how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
