one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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