Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
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