My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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