Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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