guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
