ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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