my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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