I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
