Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
