i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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