when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can you bring me the toilet please
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
