onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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