Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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