I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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