my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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