I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
