you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
