No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
This house was built for laser tag.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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