i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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