The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
