Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
