He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
