Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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