Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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