forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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