i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
