i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
