I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
