im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
