every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
