On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
