But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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