We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
