I wish my penis had an off switch
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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