I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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