i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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