Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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