woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
