I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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