Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
