I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
