Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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