OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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