You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
