omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize