isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
