is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
