i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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