there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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