He kissed a someone with a penis
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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