i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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