My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
